is the end of the chapters

I don't know how it happens but it has been a while since I talked about you to someone. I never realize how clear the memories are, and how visible the feeling is. 

People often ask if I was even moving on and if I still waiting for you. The honest answer? I never waiting for you to come back. I never wish you to ever come back. I am not sure if I move on or not but I know my heart didn't. I know that the second you come back, the second we start to talk, the feeling rose as if it never die. And that scares me. What if this time around I will completely ruin once you decide to leave again. I don't think I will recover from that. Hell, I am trying to survive with ever I have at this moment. Focusing on one thing at a time. 

It wasn't easy. There are always times when I miss you, I miss us. And how I wish things are different. It's funny how some songs in the playlist make me shed a tear all of a sudden like the other day. It was a piece of a song that I hear often but only that particular day, there was a tear and I could feel my heart missing you, and how all this flashback started to play in my head.

When I talk about us, I could feel myself smiling. After all, it was a good day. It was part of the memories that I kept and cherish. I told myself that I won't talk about you to new people but there I was, pouring it out. And my friend suggests we should start to talk again and I should text you. If I did not get a reply, then it is fine. It's a sign to let go. 

The thing is, I did not tell her that your name appear on my Telegram. I wish it wasn't you but then the picture... it is you. I should just delete it like I always do but I did not. I kept it there even though I know I will never text you anything. Just like how I found your Facebook and Insta, I will not be going to do anything either. 

When I told any of them about this, they're wondering why. I mean, after all, I love you endlessly and my being close-up showed that I was waiting for you, that I was holding on to us. 

But I didn't. 

We loved each other and that feeling doesn't just go away. I think about you, us, and the future plan we make and how I thought if I could just keep everything the same, then nothing will change but everything is changing. I couldn't talk to you. I mean I wanted to, so freaking bad. But I couldn't. I guess I am choosing myself. Cause its like, ist not our journey anymore. Its mine.

I kept our memories at the back of my mind. I preserve this feeling in my heart. But our story has long gone finished. We reach the end. It s the end of the chapter. The end of the season. I have close the book and put it on the shelf, collecting dust.