put myself frist

 Last year I vowed to take some time to heal from the heartbreak, the trauma, and the sadness.

This year I vow to love myself, and to put myself first but of course still with the touch of healing.

I feel like healing is an ongoing process. It will not stop even though you feel slightly better as there were days when you are feeling down when the sadness started to engulf you and your whole world changed utterly dark. But of course, most of the days will be filled in with rainbows and happiness. At least that is what I am trying to do this year. 

I will try to be a little bit more friendly and nice this time around. I will decrease my ignorance and annoyance with certain things or people. I will be a bit proactive and join in conversations or plans makes by my fellow circles. I know I was not cooperative enough last year. Every time the clingy bunch or the girls makes a plan, I always makeup excuses or just ignore it completely. I did not have the strength and willingness to keep it up. It was like I am giving up. And I really did give up. 

I know making Joe an excuse for all these things that happened before seems unacceptable as time goes by. I am ready to put the past behind me and accept that those chapter of us has long been gone. I have buried the future that we both have in mind. I burn the bridges and strengthen the walls around my castle. Even though I kept a room full of him and our memories in my mind, it always locks and I am only visiting it once in a while, whenever something reminds me of us or if I miss him. 

I know putting myself first might make me a selfish person. But I am planning to put myself first this time around. I will put my heart first and give her time and all the space she needed. After all, I did go behind her back. I betrayed her. I owe it to her this time around.

I did plan to further my study this year but I am still not sure where and when. I need to find a time and place that can compromise my job since I worked both weekends and public holidays. But I do hope I can do it this year. So still in search of a new job and adventure. 

Also, if everything goes well. MY HOUSE WILL BE COMPLETED THIS YEAR!!! I cannot wait to decorate it and make plans with it. It is mine and mine alone. But of course, I need to save money now to make my dream happen. 

About love life... well... I am not rushing and I don't think I will be ending my single life this year. Let alone meet someone. But all is good. I am going to enjoy my singleness and I leave this in God's hands. If He feels that I and my heart were ready, then we will meet someone but if he feels the other way around, it is fine as well. 

I just want to enjoy and cherish the life I have while I still can.